32 + SOME FAMILY PHOTOS

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Today I am 32. I don't know what it is but I look at that picture above and I feel that I look 32...which is odd to me because I feel like I've been 29 for the past 5 years...and will say I'm 29 for at least five more. 

My 31st year (or was last year my 32nd year? I can't remember how that works...I'm pretty sure it's my 32nd come to think of it because this fall London will turn 1 but this whole year was her first year so scratch that, it was my 32nd year!) was a crazy one. It went by in an instant.

With us getting pregnant January 2017, I went back to work one month early so by my birthday last year, I had one month left of working and had a 14 month old little lion. It seems so surreal that one year later, I go back to work in just over a month, have a TWO year old and a baby girl who is turning ONE in less than two months!! INSANE.

31 went by waaaay too quickly! I started out by finishing work, then waiting for London to come and between that my beloved Nana Rosa passed away.

And then London came on October 19th, 2017 and we had TWO children under the age of 16 months. It was pure insanity. So so special but such a blur. I can remember certain moments from those early days but it breaks my heart with how much was a whirlwind. 

2018 came and I felt like I could finally take a breath. I slowly got the hang of taking care of two kiddos and I sloooooowed down. I neglected this space for awhile...I'm sorry but I can only do so much.

We went to Mexico and NYC and had some good times with family. But there were also LOTS of hard times. Hard times where I got mad at the kids or mad at James or mad at something. Remember instagram often shows the highlight reel. There is sooo much more behind the scenes that isn't shared.

But God was always there, giving me new mercy after new mercy. I've come to know His grace for this season in a huge way. My devotions look different than they once did and I know one day they'll be that again but He knows I need sleep in this season...and I'm learning to give myself a bit more grace.

Things I learned this past year:

• It's ok to not have it all together. 
  I'm a bit of a control freak and this whole past year was out of my control and you know what, I survived. It's ok to not be at your goal weight. It's ok to put your career on hold. It's ok for your house to be a mess. It's ok.
• Slow down and enjoy the season.
  This summer was one of sloooowing down. We went to lots of parks and lots of playdates. We didn't accomplish a whole lot but that's ok. I made memories with my favourite people and that's what counts.
• God's grace is always there.
  Like I said before, I felt his grace more than ever. I made mistakes, said things I shouldn't and yelled at my kids. My devotions were nothing like they've been in the past but God was so gracious to me. He loves me because I am his child not because of my efforts. He gave me strength to be a mama and a wife and he will continue to do so. He gave me peace in those early postpartum days and hope when things were tough. He is a faithful God.
• Kindness is important.
  I didn't talk much about my word for 2018 but it was KINDNESS. Kindness is something I need to work on and I'm still working on it but what I do know is that it is dang important. 

Goals for 32:

I have a few goals which I'll be working on but in a nutshell my main plan is to focus on:

• JESUS. Get back to consistent daily devotions. I'm about to order a 40 day prayer devotional. London sleeps through the night so I really have no excuse. I can go to bed earlier and wake up early.
• FAMILY. When I return to work, I'll be going down to four days a week. My plan is to be very intentional on those Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays. I signed Luca up for gymnastics so I'm excited to have some dates with him there!
• HEALTH. I have totally neglected my health and I am feeling it. My goal is to get signed up to a gym in September and commit to working out/running/walking 3x a week.
• WORK. I have a new role at work and it freaks me out in the best of ways! I get to do what I'm passionate about but I'm going to reallly need Jesus' strength!

I have some more things I want to work on but I'm trying to simplify it! 

31, you were one for the books....crazy amazing, but also crazy hard. 32, I'm coming for you!

XOXO,
Laura

All photos by Rachael Alexandra Co

JUST A MINUTE 31 DAY DEVOTION

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I sure miss those days when I had all the time in the world to hang out with Jesus. I'd wake up late (clearly, I'm talking about pre-children days), make a coffee and then open up my Bible and linger there for a looooong time. I know those days aren't gone forever but right now my alarm clock is my 7 month old daughter and once we're up it's nursing, coffee, breakfast for both kiddos, get ready and get on with our day! 

Usually I don't get my quiet time until both babes are quietly napping....and that's ok. This is my current season and God has been so faithful and so full of grace. Maybe some of you mama's with little ones can relate!

Today I'm so excited to share with you an e-book devotion called Just a Minute by Lani Lupul. It's an amazing resource that will encourage you and help you in your daily devotion. You can read it like a book or use each chapter as a daily devotion.
 

"He draws near to us (James 4:8). And sometimes through all the craziness of life’s changes, all we need is a just a minute in His presence to reset and hear His voice."-from the intro of Just a Minute.

Here's an example of one of the daily devotions:

Fruits of frustration
 
| Scripture: John 14:15-31|
 
I totally bombed this weekend. My domestic duties took a nose-dive and I swore and nearly cried in frustration on Troy’s shoulder over what had happened. Let’s just say my cooking skills left our house with a distressing burnt odour and it consumed our Saturday as we cleaned up the mess. I had envisioned us celebrating our upcoming second anniversary with a nice family outing, not cleaning and doing laundry all day with a four-month-old strapped to my tummy. I was so upset.

Not. What.We.Had.Planned.

But this thought had been on my mind prior to this, and even more so after the long Saturday gone astray: I don’t want to live my life reacting out of frustration.
There will be daily opportunity for frustrations. Frustrated when I’m late, yet again, because I realized I didn’t pack the diaper bag, Elizabeth spit up, again, and needs a change, and that one phone call I needed to make before I left the house didn’t get done. Frustrated when Troy and I can’t get the time I want and know we need. Frustrated when a speeding ticket comes in the mail. Frustrated when someone doesn’t respond the way I wished they would. And as Elizabeth becomes a toddler, I am most certain there will be opportunity for multiple frustrations.

However, I don’t want to be a frustrated mommy, wife, friend, daughter, or sister. I want to live out of the peace that Jesus has already given me (John 14:27). I want to be a peace-bringer, if that is such a thing.

But how do I live out of peace, rather than reacting with frustration every time something doesn’t go the way I want it to? Because in each opportunity for frustration, I’m pretty certain there’s an opportunity for fruit as well; for something new to grow.
 
In John 14:15-31, Jesus is telling His disciples that when He goes, He will send the Holy Spirit. They will not be left alone. Jesus promises to leave peace, His peace. And the following chapter, 15, starts with Jesus telling them to abide in Him, His love, His words.

Friends, the way out of frustrations, as I can see it in scripture, is to abide in Him.

Abide means: to remain stable or fixed in a state, to endure without yielding, to wait for.

In the moments when I’m frustrated that things didn’t go my way (just ask Troy, this happens. A lot.), I want to quiet my heart and abide in the peace Jesus has already given me. Stay in that fixed state of peace. Find a thankful heart. Thank Him for what He’s already done for me, and all of His good gifts. And crawl out of the bowl of frustrations into the fruitful vineyard from the better choices He will help me make instead.

In fact, I want to start my day with peace, rather than hitting the ‘go’ button on the to-do list that will always be there.

They say when life gives you lemons, to make lemonade. Well, when frustrations happen, and they will, daily, I want to abide in Jesus’ love for me and all that He has already done, and hold on to the fact that in every frustration there is opportunity for fruit!

Here's a bit about Lani- Married to her favourite carpenter with two young sweetheart daughters, Lani Lupul loves everything about home. With 10 years of corporate communications and travelling the globe in her past, she now counts diaper changes, recites nursery rhymes, and attempts dance parties in the kitchen at supper time when everything is often falling apart. Her quiet nature lends itself to great introspection, with a desire to help others live full lives close to God’s heart. Her lifestyle blog, This is How we Home, is her breath of creativity as she grows as a wife and mom, and shares her stories of faith, creating home, and natural health. Her self-published ebooks, After I Do, and Just a Minute, can be found on Amazon and Apple iBooks.

Thanks for letting me share a chapter our of your book, Lani! Be sure to get a copy of Just a Minute and check out Lani's blog!

XO!
Laura

LONDON ROSE LIIRA'S BIRTH STORY

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It's taken me awhile to actually sit down and write my sweet London's birth story out and I imagine it will take awhile to write it completely! 

In every way London's birth story was completely different than her big brother's birth story. As much as that annoyed me at the time, I kinda love it because it just shows she is her own person and I have no idea what to expect..lols. I am a such a control freak. Lord help me. But through this entire pregnancy and birth and obviously in the days to come, I am learning that, I am so not in control.

All of this was a reminder that God is in control...I can trust Him. He knows what He's doing. I do not know best, ha. Okay, on with the birth story.

*Trigger warning* London's birth story was a bit crazy and could cause some stress to pregnant mommas or people who have had birth trauma.

I stopped working at just past 38 weeks. It was the end of September and I had two-ish weeks until my big due date. But she could have arrived at any time! Luca arrived right on his due date so I was expecting her to come around the same time. Little did I know she would stay nice and cozy in the womb until weeks later...

The end of September was an insane time for us. James had just finished some huge painting jobs and then put a ton of time into the recording of our church's live album (October 1st). I did everything I could to not induce labour during that week, because it would be verrrrry complicated if she decided to come on live recording day! Thankfully she didn't come then. 

For some reason October 3rd was stuck in my mind as a special day. My mind was thinking maybe labour would start or she would be born that day...but that day turned out to be the day where I said goodbye to my beloved Nanny Rosa. My beautiful 93 year old grandmother passed away the next morning and I was so glad I got to say goodbye to her. The funeral was the following week and my brother and sister in law were flying in from NYC so we hoped and prayed London would be born before then......but no.

My due date (October 7th) came and went. I had various contractions that would go on for a few hours and then fade away....that was SO annoying....especially when they would wake me up in the middle of the night. The next week I tried to enjoy my time with James and Luca but I was getting cranky. London had moved position and was putting constant pressure on my left hip and lower back...basically I hobbled around like an old lady in so much pain until she came....that was the WORST.

My grandmother's funeral was on the 12th and honestly, I was glad that she hadn't come before then. I had spent so much time and energy focused on waiting for London that I hadn't had a chance to grieve my Nanny Rosa. As hard as that day was, it was a good day surrounded by family remembering our amazing matriarch. 

Following the funeral, I was sooooo ready for her to come. I did alllll of the things too. I drank tons of Raspberry leaf tea, bounced all the time, did birth preparation yoga everyday, walked as much as I could (my hip was still so sore), nested, cleaned like crazy, everything except for castor oil and pineapple because I'm allergic to the latter and won't touch the former..ha.

But nope, little lady still stayed inside. 

I was awful to be around. Poor James. We were trying to enjoy the time together as a family of 3 but I was such a basket case. One minute I would be bawling and the next I would be angry at everything. I was mad at God. He wasn't answering my prayer and I didn't know why.

In those 12 days of being overdue I had a couple non stress tests and ultrasounds to check on things and sadly for me (but good obviously) baby girl was happy as a clam. She was average weight, she had regular fluid, she had a great heart rate, which all meant that I was low priority to being induced. My doctor put me on the induction list on day 10 but because I was such low priority, it could be days. They booked me another non-stress test for October 20th and I cried. Surely baby girl would come before then!!!! And thank goodness she did.

I had my next doctor's appointment at the end of the day on October 18th. I went not expecting anything because I did not want to get my hopes up. As I was waiting in the waiting room I overheard the hospital calling my doctor's office....they wanted to check on my induction and let my doctor know that a bed had come available! 

A lot of normal inductions happen as so....you go to the hospital, they insert cervidil in you and then you go home and wait for the contractions to start, do early labour at home and then go back to the hospital when your contractions get strong and close together. My doctor informed me that I could not be induced this way because London's head was very high....aka it could be very dangerous for me to be at home because she could potentially drop quickly and the cord could become wrapped around her neck...and I'm SO thankful for the wisdom of my amazing doctor as you'll soon see.

I needed to be induced at the hospital on Oxytocin where I could be monitored....but I needed to be progressed a little further for it to work properly and a bed needed to become available at the hospital...hence why I had to wait so long.

So back to the doctor's office...she checked me and hallelujah I was 2-3cm dilated!! London's head was still high but things had progressed enough that they could induce me that night. I texted James to get care for Luca and grab our hospital bags! What a whirlwind that was. 

It felt surreal driving to the hospital with no contractions....with Luca, I was DYING on that drive. Because of the time, we hit rush hour traffic so I'm very thankful I wasn't in actual labour, ha.
We made it to the hospital just after 7pm. They checked me in, prepped me for the induction and by 8pm I was hooked up to Oxytocin. 

Now some people respond very quickly to the Oxy but for me it was slow and steady. While it was kicking in, I walked around the ward with James, bounced on the ball and read Harry Potter. I even rested for a bit as I was soo tired. Around 1am the contractions got stronger as they kept upping the oxy. The nurse (who was with us the whole time and was flipping amazing!!!!!) said our goal was to have some solid contractions at 2-3 mins apart and once they were consistent we would call my doctor to come break my water. Those started around 2:30am. They got stronger and stronger and around 4am I asked for my epidural. The nurse checked me just before and PTL, I was at 5cm.

I should also mention that sometime around 3, London switched positions and I suddenly had back labour....which is the absolute worst. I had it with Luca so I knew what it felt like. All before 3am she was in a good position and I could handle the contractions so much better.

With Luca I LOOOOOOVED my epidural. It allowed me to rest while my uterus did it's thang to get me to 10cm dilated. James and I both napped for hours and I got the rest that I needed for labour.

This time around, things were a bit different. I still received that sweet, sweet, relief from pain (VIVA LA EPIDURAL!) but a little while into it after my doctor had come to break my water (around 6am I think?), things got a little stressful. London's heart rate kept dropping every contraction. I could tell there was a bit of concern on my nurses' faces. Someone came to take some blood from me incase I needed an emergency c-section. I felt the stress but just tried to pray through it and trust that God would take care of my little girl.

Throughout the whole pregnancy I always reminded myself that Luca was my promise (read more about that here) and London was my miracle. From her conception to unexplained bleeding to test results to so many other things, I just knew she was my miracle from God. So through alllll of those things, I had to keep declaring that she was my miracle. She was a gift from God and He would keep her safe. 

And that He did. 

Just before 7am I felt the need to start pushing. I honestly thought it would take waaaaay longer to get to that point because it took hours with Luca...I felt not ready at all. They checked me and discovered I was at 10cm...pushing would happen soon. At this point I felt so exhausted as I had practically been awake all night and the night before that I had a horrible sleep. I don't know if it was the sleep deprivation or stress or whatever but I suddenly felt SO anxious...I kept telling my nurse, I can't push for 3 hours again (like I had with Luca), I can't do it..I think I may have started crying at this point but I honestly can't remember....and then all of a sudden I NEEDED to push.

Now this part feels like a complete blur. I pushed with all my might and London came out in 6 sets of pushing...17 minutes. I knew something wasn't right as the room filled up with people...I think James counted 9 medical staff!

It was not the same calm atmosphere that was present at Luca's birth. It felt chaotic but that doesn't mean that God wasn't there. I'm so thankful that He can be present in ANY situation. Even through the craziness, I felt His presence so strongly. 

London came out with the cord wrapped twice around her neck. My doctor had to act fast and cut the cord before the rest of her body came out. She made a tiny noise and then they put her on me and she became limp. They quickly took her to a cart in the room and the medical staff started working on her. Thankfully, after a minute she started breathing and cried that beautiful cry that you want all babies to cry.

Through that minute I just kept praying and praying and declaring and declaring. My doctor was incredible and calmly assured me that she had a strong heart rate and would be ok. I cannot express enough how much I love my doctor and all the nurses and peds staff who were in the room. Seriously, they are super heroes.

After they got her breathing and checked her out, they gave her to me. Because everything was pretty traumatic, I can't remember much about that time except that I kept thanking God for her and that she was flipping so beautiful. She was born with a full head of dark hair just like her big brother.  She weighed just under 8lbs and was 20cm long...just perfect.

Thankfully recovery for me the second time around was SO much better. I was up and walking in a day and the only pain I had was my hip...which thankfully has just resolved!

As hard as it was being TWELVE days overdue, it all happened in God's perfect timing. If I had gone into labour at home and my water had broken, things could have ended completely different. Once again, I was reminded that God is in control. He knows what He's doing and I can trust Him completely.

We are SO in love with our sweet London Rose. She was dedicated at our church when she was three days old and honestly, I get so excited thinking about all the things God has in store for her. I'm believing he has big, big plans for this little lady. We're almost three weeks in with her and have started adjusting to a family of four...it's overwhelming at times but so surreal and fun too. I'm so thankful for my two treasures, what a blessing they are.

Sorry for the lengthy post, ha! If you made it this far, you deserve a prize!! 

XO,
Laura

RESTING WHILE WE WAIT

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Oh hello October! Boy am I ever happy to see you. Let's just say we had an INSANE September. James had a couple huge jobs, I finished up work and our church recorded their album (which James was heavily involved with.) All very exciting and fun things but it made for one heck of a month. I honestly feel as if I blinked and October came.

But with it came a deep breath of fresh air. A new season is approaching our family. Usually I want to speed up everything, but right now, I feel like I'm actually enjoying this not here quite yet feeling....it's causing us to actually slow down and rest. 

I'm now on maternity leave for a full year (yay Canada!), James is off until the end of the month and we're officially on baby waiting time. She's due Saturday but honestly, I'll be ok if she comes a little late. Our family needs this slowing down. I'm actually soaking it in.

Soaking in time with Luca, taking him to the park, watching him explore, reading endless stories....soaking in nesting, cleaning our house, getting the nursery finished (it's pretty much there aside from a wall hanging above her crib that I need to decide on)....soaking in reading and a cup of tea, Luca has moved to one 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon and I'm soaking in reading a good book (going through Harry Potter again!) and a cup of tea.....soaking in time with James, we just started This is Us and are beginning to adjust to having evenings together again! 

I just finished the book Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living (I HIGHLY recommend!!!!!) and I feel like I can actually start applying what I learned. I hope to write a more indepth post on that book soon!

What a difference some rest makes. Honestly, if you asked me how I was doing last week or any time in September, chances are I would have started bawling or laughing hysterically. It was just such a crazy pace.

But now it's behind us and now we wait for when baby girl decides to make her appearance. I think God knew we needed a bit of rest before she comes....

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
-Matthew 11:28-30

XO,
Laura

HOLD ONTO HOPE

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Hope...defined as "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best". I've often been someone who hopes for the best. As I've shared before in this place, I'm a natural optimist...sometimes a realist...and sometimes a pessimist but mostly an optimist. And sometimes that has gotten be into trouble. My hopes were not met, and I ended up disappointed. 

It may seem easier to not get your hopes up but I don't believe that is the way God has called us to live. 

(Trigger warning- I will be sharing my pregnancy story which may conjure up feelings if you've suffered a loss. I'm so sorry if that is you, and I understand if you don't want to read further.) 

This pregnancy has been very different than my pregnancy with Luca. You may remember, God told me through a dream that I was pregnant before I even tested. We had been trying for months and I was expectant that it was going to happen. Luca was my promise from God. I held onto that through the whole pregnancy.

This one came very differently. No dream, no word from the Lord, just a positive test when I was least expecting it. A few days after I tested positive I experienced some spotting. I didn't know what was happening but in that moment, I remember giving it to God and hoping for the best. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and at our 8 week ultrasound things looked great.

I had a routine doctor's appointment at 9.5 weeks and my doctor pulled out the doppler. It was very early, and the baby was very tiny at this point so I knew there was a big chance that I wouldn't hear the heartbeat. She searched for a couple minutes and we couldn't find it. I was a bit disappointed but knew I would hear it soon. My lovely doctor booked me to come back two weeks later instead of four to calm my nerves.

Two weeks later at 11.5 weeks the heartbeat can usually be heard. I went into my appointment pretty hopeful that I'd be able to hear that beautiful sound. With Luca, we heard it at 11 weeks. I had a resident doctor instead of my usual doctor that day and after asking the usual questions, he got the doppler out. He informed me that he wasn't as good at it as my normal doctor so if he couldn't find it, he'd grab her. After five minutes of searching, he went to get my doctor. Right before he left the room I remember him saying, "Even if we can't find it today, don't worry. Everything is most likely okay." I don't know if doctors are supposed to say those kind of things, but I so appreciated his optimistic outlook in that moment.

My doctor comes in the room a little while later and tries another doppler. After what felt like ages but was probably about 10 minutes of searching, we don't hear anything except for my heartbeat and the placenta. She had searched and searched and searched. Thankfully she booked me to come in three days later to try again, and encouraged me not to worry even though I probably would.

Those three days felt like some of the longest days of my life. Through those three days I had to FIGGGHT for hope. My mind wanted to not get my hopes up. My mind wanted to prepare me for the worst. My mind wanted me to not be disappointed.

But my heart longed for hope. So I did what I've done in hard circumstances in the past, I opened his word, declared his promises, praised him and got prayer warriors praying.

I turned to one of my favourite verses in Romans...

Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping...20 Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21 He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. Romans 4:18&20-21

It was a tough three days. My mind and heart battled it out.

During that time I was reading Anne of Green Gables and came across this beautiful quote. At this particular section, Marilla was trying to help Anne understand the real world.

"'You set your heart too much on things, Anne," said Marilla with a sigh. 'I'm afraid there'll be a great many disappointments in store for you through life.'
'Oh Marilla, looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them,' exclaimed Anne. 'You mayn't get the things themselves but nothing can prevent you from having the fun of looking forward to them. Mrs. Lynde says, 'Blessed are they who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed.' But I think it would be worse to expect nothing than to be disappointed.'"

And I couldn't agree more with Anne. It would be worse to expect nothing than to be disappointed. Life is hard, but there is always hope...always.

image by andrearhowey

His peace came in waves over me and I held onto hope. I'd expect the best and if the outcome wasn't what I planned, God would be there for us but in the meantime I wasn't going to let my mind go there.

So James and I went into the doctor's that Friday morning, trusting God (shakily, but still trusting). Our doctor went to business right away and at first touch we thought we heard the baby's heartbeat but then she felt my pulse and realized mine was 130 bpm. After a couple minutes of searching we heard a movement, that my doctor said was a baby moving and seconds after that, we heard that precious heartbeat. 166 bpm. 

I know not everyone shares the same story as us and a lot have suffered loss. My heart breaks for you and my prayer for you is that you would keep hoping because God isn't finished with your story yet.

Easter is just around the corner and I'm reminded of how hard it must have been for Jesus' disciples after He was crucified on Good Friday. Those three days must have been full of despair and heartache but thankfully that's not where the story ends. Three days later, He rose in Victory. He triumphed over death and proved that hope exists in Him.

Life is hard but there is hope. Keep hoping, keep trusting, He's not done yet.

XO,
Laura