All of my life, I've aways pictured being a momma to a little girl. I'm a girlie girl. I love getting dressed up and playing with makeup. I'm a passionate believer that girls can be preachers, presidents, etc, etc. For goodness sake, I started a conference for girls and have held it for 7 years because I believe in empowering girls!
In every daydream about the future, I'd have a few kids but a girl would always be my firstborn. I'd encourage her that she was loved and valued and that her voice mattered. She would know that she was more than just a pretty face, that God had an incredible purpose for her and that she could dream big and not let her gender limit her. I couldn't wait to raise my baby girl.
But then I found out I was having a boy. And to be honest, I kinda knew it was a boy but I was hoping for a girl. Right after God told me I was pregnant I found myself addressing my belly as "little guy"....it was natural instinct. But my hope for a girl outweighed my gut feeling that I was having a boy. Throughout the first 20 weeks, I mainly looked at girls' clothing...so many cute pink things. I envisioned a pink and gold nursery. I had convinced my heart that I was carrying a girl.
Fast forward to right before our ultrasound...my guess was a boy but there was still a little piece of hope that we were having a girl. So we go in and marvel at the video of our beautiful baby. There is something so incredible about seeing your baby moving. It was also the first ultrasound that James' was able to attend, so that made it extra special. We had a student conduct the ultrasound and thank goodness we were finding out because she dropped "he" at least three times...haha. We were also pretty sure as we spotted what looked like a little boy part..ha! Afterwards I stalked my doctor's office until they could tell me the results and yes, they confirmed, I was having a boy.
I was having a boy. Not a girl, but a little boy. James and I had headed to the mall to grab some food and I remember eating Opa with tears running down my face. It was hitting me. I was having a boy. I had to shut the door (for now) on all my little girl dreams and honestly, that was a hard thing. BOYS! I knew nothing about boys. What on earth was I going to do with a boy!!?!?! I'm pretty sure James was a bit worried that I wasn't going to love our child...hahah. And obviously that wasn't the case, but I needed a couple days to grieve the idea of a little girl. It was all that I had imagined for the past 20 years so naturally it would take some time.
But I have the greatest friends BTW. As soon as I told my bestie, she started pinning incredible baby boy shower and nursery images to our pin board. I started to get a bit more excited. I also went and picked out some cute baby boy clothing because shopping always lifts my mood, ha. It took about two days for me to grieve the idea of the girl and fully embrace the idea of a boy. Who knew how much healing pinterest and shopping could bring...lols. Another friend gently counselled me and let me know that it was okay to be sad. She encouraged me that it would change and I would be excited but it's okay to cry right now. Oh, how I needed that.
And now, oh my goodness, God knew what he was doing in giving us a little boy first. I honestly, can't imagine anything else.
Instead of raising a girl that is empowered, we get to raise a boy who will empower. We get to teach him what it means to respect the opposite gender, to fight for fairness and equality, to walk humbly and live life with integrity. I'm raising a moG (man of God) people and it is the greatest thing ever. I have fallen in love with my little prince and he has fallen in love with me. The little smiles and cooing he gives me melts my heart every time. I know as he grows he is going to bring so much out of me. He's going to make me bolder and stronger...he already has as I've embraced that mama bear spirit. I feel like I'm going to die the day that he tells me I'm beautiful. He's my prince, my little lion king and I am so in love.
As I was folding up his newborn clothes last week, I found myself hoping for another boy...ha. I seriously see myself like Lisa Bevere (or Helena Stones!!) raising four incredible boys. But who knows what the Lord has in store? What I do know is that we can make plans, but ultimately, God's plan is the best plan for our lives. He knows what's best. He knows what our hearts need even if we don't (which is often, ha).
Be encouraged today that if your plan is failing, that may be a good thing. God is at work and will give you the strength you need to handle the plan he has for you. God has given me and will continue to give me the strength I need to raise this boy (HELLO, I will be screaming for his help when Luca gets older, ha!!) He's a good father and knows our hearts more than anyone else. You can be sure that he won't fail you or let you down but give you exactly what you need because He loves you too much to give you what you want.
I'm over the moon in love with my little man and now I couldn't imagine it any other way.